暂时更新在wordpress上，估计国内的朋友们要翻墙才能看到，只几张关于100%设计展的照片而已啦。

“前周收到koukou发来的msn消息，着实推荐了一篇Chuck Palahniuk的《肠子》，本欲回她一下，无奈我的msn for mac不支持收发脱机消息的。不过这篇小说着实需要推荐一下。”

时下我听闻一些人未曾阅过Chuck Palahniuk的《Fight Club》，但未曾赏过其同名电影之士应少之又少，不过有幸，风子隔壁就是如此的一位。

《Fight Club》中文译版为《斗阵俱乐部》，全文富含了血腥、讽刺、黑色幽默和些许恐怖的叙事手法着实令不少读者大为惊呆了一番。而此篇介绍的是Chuck的又一力作——《恶搞研习营》的《肠子》。 ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

*因风子手头没有这本书的中文版，所有关于中文版繁体内容来自出版社：小异网上的介绍。原英文书名为《Haunted》，译者：景翔*

【他们折磨自己，创造悲剧，为的就是要成名！

作家研习营。抛开你的生活，就此消失。将你生命中的一小段时间赌在可以创造一个全新未来的机会上。及时行动，过你梦想中的生活，名额极其有限。有兴趣者请来电：1-800-滚你妈的蛋】

书中开篇映入眼帘的是一则如上广告：为了名誉，为了未来，为了脱离如此贫困穷窘的生活，究竟会有谁来参加这样的研习营呢？

全文角色19人：18个受害者，1个加害者

18种风格，18种个人文字，18个千奇百怪的名字，18种不同社会地位和角色，他们聚在一起讲述着一段段自认为悲惨，却可换来明日光辉的过往回忆。 然而事情并没有他们想得那么简单，加害者将这18人全部囚禁起来，并要求他们在3个月内完成他们的作品就可以解脱。

这18人都是把自己人生搞砸了的家伙，为了将来寻得一个出口，为了将生活可以继续下去，他们不得不开始“创造”故事，虽然心知肚明：他们不可能写出什么作品来。

于是他们封死了窗户，弄坏了钥匙孔，破坏了暖炉，搞坏了食物，所有的准备都就绪后，一群人聚在一起开始折磨自己，创造悲剧，梦想着等到获救之后，一夜之间成为传奇的美丽结局……

23篇短篇小说，21首诗，一段主要故事作为连线，组成了这本低俗却十分震惊而黑色的《Haunted》

原小异网上如此介绍到：

“恰克．帕拉尼克用一貫簡潔卻充滿饒興的文字，繪以冷漠、幽默的黑色嘲諷，以一個主要加害者被囚禁在某荒廢戲院故事為主軸，串聯二十一首短詩以及二十三篇極短篇而成的一本驚悚怪誕原創小說_惡搞研習營(Haunted)。

一個加害者——魏提爾先生給予的一個與世隔絕的空間，讓這十八個來自三流九教，紛紛懷抱成為暢銷文藝家大夢的受害者，寫出自己創作出來的極短篇，成名的夢想，讓這群人緊緊聚結在一起，一起承受「我是無助受害者」的悲情，激盪交織出一章章人性的荒謬、妄想、貪欲的黑暗生活。就像「俄羅斯娃娃」一樣，故事中還有故事，攝影機後面的後面的後面，還是攝影機，窺看一齣齣集人性荒唐恐怖之大成的黑色戲碼，剝開這些被害人呈述以噁心駭人聽聞的小故事，人性陰謀接踵而來，死亡是意料下的失控，有如荒廢戲院瀰漫著絕望的氣息，助長一坨坨黃綠黴菌掩沒他們生存的空間，卻也點出底其實是他們嘲諷自己原來生活的無奈與悲哀。

沒人想逃嗎? Oh no~當人生是一團糟時，能逮到機會可以揚名立萬，他們可就不這麼認為「逃離」是件聰明事。就像球賽一樣，誰死命也不肯被三振出局，離開打擊區，大家打定主意，誰能撐著最久，受的苦難越重，獲得感動眼淚也越多，那暢銷作家的最後光環就是屬於他的，於是~自殘、破壞、阻礙、發爛發臭，把自己變成這囚禁當下最悲憐的被害角色，甚至虛擬「鬼魅」努力張牙舞爪，不讓活人專美於前，宣誓恐怖才是它們的絕活，像腐爛一般滲透到他們的大腦裡，也成為他們寫作題材的最勁爆來源之一，在獲救之前，誰也不肯拱手讓人取得領先。

不由得佩服作者恰克．帕拉尼克的天馬行空想像，故事說的一個比一個會算計、會刺激閱讀指數的驚悚情節，寫得又是那麼的合理合性化，每讀完一篇，猜想人生不過是這麼悲慘吧，然而後面的驚駭荒謬指數，才發現自己太早下結論了。對讀者來說，惡搞研習營是一本相當特別的閱讀挑戰，就像生鮮食物，越早閱讀，還要一口氣翻完，才越能引出潛伏在作者想表達那股虛擬黑暗的密閉意識裡，讓人頭皮發麻、停止呼吸與荒唐發噱的原汁原味。”

对于《恶搞研习营》，我还未读到，仅仅阅读了短篇《肠子》的我无法体会到全书如此讽刺，黑暗，为生存而显露人性丑陋却又不失恶搞的一段震撼人心的故事。但仅仅一篇《肠子》足以勾起我去订阅购买这本《Haunted》，去填充我对其的无限遐想和好奇了。

下面贴上《肠子》的中文版及其原文，内容些许恶心，据说在朗读会上，有70余人当场晕倒，而全书的其他故事绝不会亚于这篇《肠子》。

如读者您即将吃饭，我希望您先不要看；如您已经吃饭几小时，或许还能耐得住这份震撼吧。

之因为风子不愿在这里先透露其内容，是因为透露出来后，那份震惊和窃笑就会少了很多，很多……

风子我是边吃羊肉面，边看完《肠子》，我个人忍受能力还不算差，没吐，没恶心，但感觉还是少许不舒服，呵呵。但其中意味足以让我无奈而又大笑了一下。

18岁以下未成年人请勿阅读，内容有描写到性行为，因此大家请先酌情处理身边小孩儿后，再来阅读吧。

如若有兴趣阅读全文：

整部书的英文PDF格式我刚下到，已经上传到MU，有兴趣的朋友可以拿来阅读

连接给出：

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=AMSBPLD3 －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

Youtube上有2段Chuck在加拿大的朗读会上朗读Guts的视频，视频我没有找到完整的，但大部分高潮剧情都有的。如果你有兴趣听，可以听或者选择下面的译文和英文原版以供阅读。

如果此篇文章令您只深感恶心，而无别的感受，我只能说声抱歉了。

《肠子》

　　 吸气。

　　 尽量能吸多少就吸进多少空气。

　　 这个故事应该差不多和你能闭住气的时间一样长，然后再长出一点点。所以尽快听吧。 　　

我的一个朋友，在十三岁的时候听到有所谓的「插后庭」。就是屁眼里插进一支假阳具。据说只要把前列腺刺激得够厉害的话，不用手也能有爆射的高潮。在那个年纪，这个朋友有那么点色情狂。他总在找比人家更好的发泄方法。他去买了根胡萝卜和一瓶凡士林。用来做一次小小的私人研究。然后他想到这样在超市收银台前会是个什么样的局面：那一根胡萝卜和一瓶润滑剂孤零零地在转送带上滚到收银员的面前，所有排队付钱的客人都看在眼里，每个人都知道他今晚的大计划。

　　 所以，我那位朋友，他买了牛奶和鸡蛋和糖和一根胡萝卜，全是做胡萝卜蛋糕的材料。外加一瓶凡士林。

　　 好像他要回家去把一个胡萝卜蛋糕塞进他的屁眼里。

　　 到家之后，他把胡萝卜削成一根短棍，涂满了油脂，慢慢地坐了上去。然后──什么也没有。没有高潮，除了很痛之外，什么也没有。

　　 然后这个小子，他妈叫着说吃晚饭了。她说下楼来，马上。

　　 他想办法把那根胡萝卜拔了出来，把那根又滑又脏的东西包在他床底下的脏衣服里。

　　 吃过晚饭之后，他再去找那根胡萝卜，发现那玩艺已经不见了。在他吃晚饭的时候，他妈把他所有的脏衣服拿下去洗。她不可能没发现那根用她厨房里的削皮刀仔细修整过的胡萝卜，上面闪亮着润滑油，而且还有股臭味。

　　我这个朋友在乌云罩顶之下等了好几个月，等着他父母来骂他。可是他们始终没有动静，一点也没有。即使现在他已经长大成人了，那根看不见的胡萝卜还悬在半空中，度过每次耶诞大餐，每次生日派对。每次和他的孩子们，也就是他父母的孙儿孙女一起在复活节找彩蛋的时候，那根鬼魂似的红萝卜还悬在他们所有人的头上。

　　 那种事可怕得无以名状。 　　

　　 法国人有句话：「楼梯上的灵光」。法文是：Esprit d’Escalier。那意思是说你找到答案的那一刻，不过已经来不及了。比方说，你参加一个派对，有人侮辱了你。你得回嘴。结果，在压力之下，大家都盯着你，你只能支吾以对。可是一等你离开了那里……

　　 你一开始下楼梯，就──像变魔术一样，你想到该说的最好不过的话。最能把对方驳倒的话。

　　 这就是所谓楼梯上的灵光。

　　 问题是，即使法国人也没有什么话来形容你在压力下真正做出的傻事。那些你真正想到或是做出来的愚蠢而不顾一切的事情。

　　 有些事情实在低级得无以名之，低级得甚至说都不能说。

　　 回顾起来，儿童心理专家和学校的辅导老师现在都说，最后一次青少年自杀高峰是孩子们在手淫时让自己窒息而死。父母发现他们的时候，孩子的脖子上缠着毛巾，而毛巾系在他们卧室衣柜里的横杆上，孩子死了，干了的精液到处都是。当然做父母的会清理干净，替他们的孩子穿上裤子，让情况看起来……好一点。至少有这种意思。像一般让人难过的青少年自杀情形。 　　

　　 我另外一个朋友，也是我同学，他哥哥在海军服役，说中东人打手枪和我们不一样。这做哥哥的驻扎在几个有骆驼的国家里，那里的市场上卖一种看起来很像是花俏的拆信刀的东西。每根这种花俏的工具都只是一根很细而擦得雪亮的铜棒或银棒，大概和你的手掌一样长，其中一端有个大头，或是金属的大球，或是像剑柄似的弯曲把手。这位在海军的哥哥说那些阿拉伯男人把老二弄硬了之后，就把这种细金属棒插进老二里面去，一直插到底，然后带着这根棒子在里面来打手枪，会让高潮来得更过瘾、更强烈得多。

　　 就是这个到过世界各地的大哥寄回来法国的俗话、俄国的俗话，还有大有帮助的打手枪秘诀。

　　 在那之后，那个做弟弟的，有天没来上学。那天晚上，他打电话问我能不能帮他拿一个礼拜的作业，因为他进了医院。

　　 他得和一些肠胃开刀的老头子住在同一个病房里，他说他们得共看一台电视。只靠一张布帘子来保有隐私。他的父母不去看他。他在电话里说他父母现在真该杀了他那个在海军里的哥哥。

　　那小子在电话里告诉我说──前一天──他嗑了点药。在他家中的睡房里，躺在床上。他点了支蜡烛，看着一些旧的色情杂志，准备打手枪。这是在他看过他那当海军的哥哥来信之后的事，看到阿拉伯人怎么打手枪的有用资讯。这小子到处找着可以这样用的东西。原子笔太粗了，铅笔不但太粗大而且太粗糙。可是，流在蜡烛旁边的那一小条既细又光滑的蜡大概正合适。那小子用一根手指尖把那一长条蜡由蜡烛上剔了下来，用两个手掌搓得更平滑些，又长又滑又细。

　　 他既有点茫，也很色，就把那根东西从他的马眼插进硬挺的老二里，越插越深。他还留了一截蜡在外面，开始打起手枪来。

　　 即使到了现在，他还说那些阿拉伯人还真他妈的聪明。他们完全重新发明了打手枪。他平躺在床上，那小子越来越爽到都忘了注意那一条蜡，就在再来一下就要射了的时候，他发现由头上伸出来的蜡不见了。

　　 那条细细的蜡，全部滑进去了。整个滑到了里面，深到他甚至于摸不到的输尿管里。

　　 他妈在楼下叫他吃晚饭。她说下楼来，马上。用蜡的小子和用胡萝卜的小子不是同一个人，可是我们的生活情形差不多都一样。

　　 吃过晚饭之后，那小子的肚子痛了起来。是那条蜡，所以他想也许蜡会在他肚子里融化了，可以让他尿出来。现在他的背痛，肾脏痛。他连站都站不直。

　　 那小子在他的病床上打电话，你还听得见后面有铃声叮当，有人在尖叫，还有电视上游戏节目的声音。

　　 X光照出了真相，有一条又长又细的东西弯成两截，在他的膀胱里。这个又长又细的V字型吸附了他小便里的所有矿物质。越来越大，也越来越粗糙，外面包裹着钙的结晶，到处跳动，伤了他膀胱内层的柔软组织，堵住了他的小便不能排出，他的肾脏受到尿液的倒灌回流，唯一能从他老二里流出来的一点点，也因为有血而成为红色。

　　 那小子，他的父母，他的全家人，他们看着那张黑白的X光片，医生和护士就站在旁边。那个由蜡形成的大V字白得亮眼，每个人都看得到，他只好说了实话。这种阿拉伯式的打手枪法，他哥哥在海军写信告诉他的事。

　　 现在，他在电话里哭了起来。

　　 他们用他上大学的基金付了膀胱开刀的医药费。这么一个愚蠢的错误，现在他再也当不成律师了。 　　

　　 把东西插到你自己身体里面。把自己卡在什么东西里面，不管是蜡烛在你的老二里，还是你的脑袋在索套里，我们都知道麻烦大了。

　　 让我惹上麻烦的事，我称之为「潜水寻珠」。也就是说在水底打手枪，坐在我父母的游泳池里，在比较深的那一头的池底。我深吸一口气，踢着水潜到池底，脱掉泳裤。在那里坐上二、三、四分钟。

　　 就由于打手枪，我有了非常大的肺活量。只要家里没有别人在，我就会一整个下午都在干这件事。等最后打出来的时候，我的精液，会成为乳白色一大坨、一大坨地悬浮水中。

　　 之后，再潜下水去，把这些捞起来，一把把捞起之后擦在毛巾上。所以这才叫「潜水寻珠」。即使池水中有氯。我还是会替我姐姐担心，还有，全能的耶稣，还有我妈。

　　 当时我在这个世界上最害怕的一件事就是：我那十几岁，还是处女的姐姐，一直以为她只是越长越胖，结果却生下一个有两颗脑袋的智障婴儿。两个头长得都像我。我，既是父亲又是舅舅。

　　 最后，你碰上的却不是你担心的事。

　　 「潜水寻珠」最棒的部分是游泳池过滤和循环马达的进水口。最棒的部分就是光着身子坐在那上面。

　　 就像法国人说的：有谁不喜欢别人吸他的屁眼？

　　 不过问题是，前一分钟你还只是一个想自己爽一下的小子，下一分钟你就再也当不成律师了。

　　前一分钟，我正坐在游泳池底，天在波动，由我头上八呎深的水里看出去，是一片浅蓝。除了我耳朵里听见自己的心跳之外，整个世界寂静无声。我那条黄色条纹的泳裤套在脖子上，以策安全，怕万一有个朋友、邻居，或是任何一个人突然出现来问我为什么没去练足球。入水口在节奏稳定的吮吸着我，而我把白白瘦瘦的屁股压下去享受这种感觉。

　　 前一分钟，我吸足了气，把老二握在我手里。我父母去上班，我姐姐去学芭蕾舞，几个钟点里都不会有人回家来。

　　 我的手让我到了高潮的边缘，然后我停下来，游上去换一大口气，再潜下来坐在池底。

　　 我这样反复地做了一次又一次。

　　这想必就是女生想坐在你脸上的原因所在，那种吸力就像你在一直不停地拉屎。我的老二挺得好硬，屁眼一直像有人在舔吸，我不需要空气。我耳朵里听到心跳声，我一直留在水底，最后眼前都冒出了金星。我两腿伸得笔直，两边的膝弯都在水泥池底擦伤了。我的脚趾发青，脚趾和手指都因为泡在水里太久而皱了起来。

　　 然后我让自己达到高潮，大坨的白色精液开始喷射出来。那些珍珠。

　　 就在这时候，我需要点空气了。可是就在我想踢水往上游时，却做不到。我没法让脚伸到我身子下面。我的屁股卡住了。

　　 急救单位的人会告诉你说每年大约有一百五十人这样卡住，被循环马达给吸住了。你的长头发，或是你的屁股卡住的话，你就会淹死。每年都不知有多少人送命，大部分在佛罗里达州。

　　 大家只是不谈这件事，就连法国人也不是每件事都会说的。

　　 我一腿跪起，把一只脚塞进身体下面，半站起身时，感到屁股那边有什么东西拉扯住了。我把另一只脚也伸到身子下，踩着池底往上游。我离开了池底，不再碰到水泥地，可是也吸不到空气。

　　 我用力踩着水，两臂划动，大约到离水面一半的地方，但是没法再高。在我头里的心跳越来越响，也越来越快。

　　明亮的光点不停地在我眼前闪来闪去，我转头往后看去……可是那完全没道理。那条粗索，像某一种蛇，青白色的，还看得见上面有血管，由出水口上来，咬紧了我的屁股。有些血管在往外渗血，红红的血在水底看起来是黑的，由那条蛇苍白的皮肤上的小小裂缝漂了出去，消失在水中，而在那条蛇薄薄的青白色皮肤里面，还看得见一坨坨消化了一半的食物。

　　这是唯一可以说得通的事，有什么可怕的海怪，一条海蟒。从来没在光天化日下见到过的东西，一直躲在游泳池出水口的黑暗深处，等着咬我。

　　 因此……我用力地踢着，踢着又滑又有弹性而打着结的皮和上面的血管，好像有更长一截从下水口拉了出来。现在大约和我的腿一样长了，可是还是紧咬着我的屁眼。我又用力一踢，离我能换气的地方又进了一吋。我仍然感到那条蛇咬住我屁股往下拉，但离逃生又近了一吋。

　　你能看到纠结在蛇肚子里的有玉米和花生。你还看得见一个长形的亮橘色的球。就像是我爹逼我吃的那种大型的维他命丸，让我增加体重的，让我能赢得足球奖学金。其中有添加的铁和Ω─三脂肪酸。

　　 就是看到那颗维他命才救了我的命。

　　 那不是一条蛇。那是我的大肠。我的肠子给拉出了我的身体。这是医生所谓的「脱垂」。是我的肠子给吸进了下水口。

　　急救人员会告诉你说，游泳池的马达每分钟能抽八十加仑的水。力道大约在四百磅左右。而最大的问题是，我们的内脏是连在一起的。你的屁股只是你嘴巴的另外一头。如果我随他去的话，马达继续作用──把我的内脏扯脱──最后会到我的舌头。想想看要承受四百磅的力道，就知道那会怎么把你里面掏空了。

　　 我可以告诉你们的是，你的肠子不会觉得有多痛。不像你皮肤对疼痛的那种感觉。你所消化的那些东西，医生称之为「排泄物」。再上面一点是食糜，一堆浆状的东西，混着玉米、花生和圆圆的绿色豌豆。

　　 漂浮在我四周的就是由血和玉米、粪便、精液和花生混在一起的汤。即使我的肠子给拖出了我的屁股，而我紧留住剩下的部分，即使在这样的情况下，我第一件想要做的事却是想办法把我的泳裤穿回去。

　　 老天不容我父母看到我的老二。

　　 我一手握拳堵在屁眼上，另一只手把我的黄色条纹泳裤由脖子上拿了下来。但是，要把泳裤穿上还是件不可能的任务。

　　 你如果想摸摸你的肠子是怎么感觉，那就去买一盒那种小羊肠做的保险套吧，拿一个出来，拉长了，在里面灌上花生酱。外面涂上润滑剂，放在水里面。再想办法扯断，想办法拉成两段。那实在是太韧又太有弹性了，而且滑不留手得无法抓住。

　　 小羊肠的保险套，就是肠子嘛。

　　 现在，你们就能明白我要对付的是什么了。

　　 你只要一放手，你就会肠子都没了。

　　 你要是游到水面上去换气，你的肠子也就都没了。

　　 你要不往上游，就会淹死。

　　 就看你是选马上死掉还是一分钟后死掉。

　　等我父母下班回来会发现的是一个巨大赤裸的胎儿，蜷成一团。漂浮在他们后院游泳池里混浊的水中。由一根满布血管而扭曲的肠子系在池底。和那个在打手枪时把自己吊死的孩子不一样。这个是他们十三年前从医院带回家来的宝贝。是他们希望能得到足球奖学金，将来得MBA学位的孩子。会在他们年老时照顾他们。是他们所有的希望和梦想。漂在那里，光着身子，死了。四周是由浪费掉的精液所形成的乳白色珍珠。

　　 如果不是这样，就是我父母会发现我裹着一条血淋淋的毛巾，倒在游泳池和厨房那具电话之间的半路上，一段断了的肠子还由我那条黄色条纹泳裤的裤腿里拖了出来。

　　 那是法国人都不会谈的事。

　　 在海军服役的那个哥哥，教给我们另外一句话。一句俄罗斯的俗话。就像我们说的：「谁要这个，就像要头上有个洞。」俄罗斯人则说：「谁要这个，就像要屁眼里长牙。」

　　 「ㄚ许挪不系呢羊向道隆亦。」

　　 你们也听过那些故事，说落入陷阱的野兽会咬断自己的腿，哎，随便哪只土狼都会告诉你咬几口可比死掉强多了。

　　 妈的……就算你是个俄罗斯人，说不定哪天你也会想要有那些牙齿呢。

　　 否则，你得做的就是──你得扭过身子去。你用一只手勾在膝盖后面，把那条腿抬到你脸上。然后想办法往你的屁股咬下去。在喘不过气来的时候，只要能再吸一口气，你是什么都会咬的。

　　 这种是你在和女孩子第一次约会的时候不会告诉她的事。要是你想要她吻你道晚安的话，就不会说的。

　　 要是我告诉你们说那是什么味道的话，你们就永永远远不会再吃乌贼了。

　　 实在很难说我父母觉得哪件事比较恶心：是我怎么惹上麻烦呢，还是我怎么救了自己一命。去过医院之后，我妈说：「你当时根本不知道自己在干什么，宝贝，你当时太震惊了。」而她学会了怎么做水煮蛋。

　　 所有的人都觉得恶心或替我难过……

　　 我需要这些，就像屁眼里要长牙。

　　现在，大家老是说我看起来太瘦了。大家一起吃晚饭的时候，因为我不吃他们烧的炖肉而都不说话，又气得要死。炖肉让我吃不消，还有烤火腿。任何会在我肠胃里待上两个多钟点还不能消化的，出来还是原样。家里烧的利马豆或是大块的鲔鱼，我上完大号站起来的时候，会发现还是原状在马桶里。

　　在动过大肠切除手术之后，消化功能就没那么好了。大部分的人都有五呎左右的大肠。我还算运气好，能留下六吋。所以我终于没能拿到足球奖学金，也始终没能念到MBA。我的两个朋友，那个蜡小子和胡萝卜小子，他们长大之后，身子也壮了，可是我始终没比我十三岁时候的体重多长一磅。

　　另外一个大问题是，我父母花了一大笔钱去整修游泳池。最后我爹只告诉那个来弄游泳池的家伙说是一只狗。家里养的狗掉下去淹死了。尸体给吸进了下水口里。即使那家伙打开过滤箱，掏出一条滑滑的管子，一段湿淋淋的肠子，里面还有一颗很大的橘色维他命丸，到了那时候，我爹只说：「那只狗真他妈的疯了。」

　　 就连在我楼上睡房的窗口，都能听见我老头说：「那只狗啊，一秒钟没看住都不行……」

　　 然后我姐的月经没来。

　　 即使在他们把游泳池的水全换了，即使他们卖了房子，而我们搬到另外一州去住，我姐也堕了胎之后，我父母始终没再提这件事。

　　 从来不说。

　　 那是我们家的那根看不见的胡萝卜。

　　 现在你们可以好好地，深吸一口气了。

　　 因为我还没吸气。

（完）

Guts

By Chuck Palahniuk

(from the collection Haunted)

Inhale.

Take in as much air as you can.

This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.

A friend of mine, when he was thirteen years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkstand, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.

So, my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.

Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Then, this kid, his mom yells it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now.

He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they never do. Ever. Even now he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them.

That something too awful to name.

People in France have a phrase: "Spirit of the Stairway." In French: Esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party…

As you start down the stairway, then -- magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.

That's the Spirit of the Stairway.

The trouble is even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.

Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around the kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm everywhere. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look… better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad, teen suicide.

Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of polished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, either a big metal ball or the kind of fancy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.

It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.

After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.

He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.

On the phone, the kid says how -- the day before -- he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ball-point pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.

Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.

Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally re-invented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.

The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.

From downstairs, his mom shouts it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.

It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kidneys. He can't stand straight.

This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people screaming. Game shows.

The X-rays show the truth, something long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and more rough, coated with crystals of calcium, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

This kid and his folks, his whole family, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses standing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.

On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.

They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mistake, and now he'll never be a lawyer.

Sticking stuff inside yourself. Sticking yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.

What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.

Just from jacking off, I had huge lung capacity. If I had the house to myself, I'd do this all afternoon. After I'd finally pump out my stuff, my sperm, it would hang there in big, fat, milky gobs.

After that was more diving, to catch it all. To collect it and wipe each handful in a towel. That's why it was called Pearl Diving. Even with chlorine, there was my sister to worry about. Or, Christ almighty, my Mom.

That used to be my worst fear in the world: my teenage virgin sister, thinking she's just getting fat, then giving birth to a two-headed retard baby. Both heads looking just like me. Me, the father AND the uncle.

In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

The best part of Pearl Diving was the inlet port for the swimming pool filter and the circulation pump. The best part was getting naked and sitting on it.

As the French would say: Who doesn't like getting their butt sucked?

Still, one minute you're just a kid getting off, and the next minute you'll never be a lawyer.

One minute, I'm settling on the pool bottom, and the sky is wavy, light blue through eight feet of water above my head. The world is silent except for the heartbeat in my ears. My yellow-striped swim trunks are looped around my neck for safe keeping, just in case a friend, a neighbor, anybody shows up to ask why I skipped football practice. The steady suck of the pool inlet hole is lapping at me and I'm grinding my skinny white ass around on that feeling.

One minute, I've got enough air, and my dick's in my hand. My folks are gone at their work and my sister's got ballet. Nobody's supposed to be home for hours.

My hand brings me right to getting off, and I stop. I swim up to catch another big breath. I dive down and settle on the bottom.

I do this again and again.

This must be why girls want to sit on your face. The suction is like taking a dump that never ends. My dick hard and getting my butt eaten out, I do not need air. My heartbeat in my ears, I stay under until bright stars of light start worming around in my eyes. My legs straight out, the back of each knee rubbed raw against the concrete bottom. My toes are turning blue, my toes and fingers wrinkled from being so long in the water.

And then I let it happen. The big white gobs start spouting. The pearls.

It's then I need some air. But when I go to kick off against the bottom, I can't. I can't get my feet under me. My ass is stuck.

Emergency paramedics will tell you that every year about 150 people get stuck this way, sucked by a circulation pump. Get your long hair caught, or your ass, and you're going to drown. Every year, tons of people do. Most of them in Florida.

People just don't talk about it. Not even French people talk about EVERYTHING.

Getting one knee up, getting one foot tucked under me, I get to half standing when I feel the tug against my butt. Getting my other foot under me, I kick off against the bottom. I'm kicking free, not touching the concrete, but not getting to the air, either.

Still kicking water, thrashing with both arms, I'm maybe halfway to the surface but not going higher. The heartbeat inside my head getting loud and fast.

The bright sparks of light crossing and criss-crossing my eyes, I turn and look back… but it doesn't make sense. This thick rope, some kind of snake, blue-white and braided with veins has come up out of the pool drain and it's holding onto my butt. Some of the veins are leaking blood, red blood that looks black underwater and drifts away from little rips in the pale skin of the snake. The blood trails away, disappearing in the water, and inside the snake's thin, blue-white skin you can see lumps of some half-digested meal.

That's the only way this makes sense. Some horrible sea monster, a sea serpent, something that's never seen the light of day, it's been hiding in the dark bottom of the pool drain, waiting to eat me.

So… I kick at it, at the slippery, rubbery knotted skin and veins of it, and more of it seems to pull out of the pool drain. It's maybe as long as my leg now, but still holding tight around my butthole. With another kick, I'm an inch closer to getting another breath. Still feeling the snake tug at my ass, I'm an inch closer to my escape.

Knotted inside the snake, you can see corn and peanuts. You can see a long bright-orange ball. It's the kind of horse-pill vitamin my Dad makes me take, to help put on weight. To get a football scholarship. With extra iron and omega-three fatty acids.

It's seeing that vitamin pill that saves my life.

It's not a snake. It's my large intestine, my colon pulled out of me. What doctors call, prolapsed. It's my guts sucked into the drain.

Paramedics will tell you a swimming pool pump pulls 80 gallons of water every minute. That's about 400 pounds of pressure. The big problem is we're all connected together inside. Your ass is just the far end of your mouth. If I let go, the pump keeps working - unraveling my insides -- until it's got my tongue. Imagine taking a 400-pound shit, and you can see how this might turn you inside out.

What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctor's call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.

That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unraveling out my ass, me holding onto what's left, even then my first want is to somehow get my swimsuit back on.

God forbid my folks see my dick.

My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellow-striped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.

You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lamb-skin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then, try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.

A lamb-skin condom, that's just plain old intestine.

You can see what I'm up against.

You let go for a second, and you're gutted.

You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.

You don't swim, and you drown.

It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.

What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital thirteen years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football scholarship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.

Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen telephone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellow-striped swim trunks.

What even the French won't talk about.

That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say: "I need that like I need a hole in my head…" Russian people say: "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole…"

Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse

Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.

Hell… even if you're Russian, some day you just might want those teeth.

Otherwise, what you have to do is -- you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air, and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.

It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night.

If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.

It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trouble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my Mom said, "You didn't know what you were doing, honey. You were in shock." And she learned how to cook poached eggs.

All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me…

I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.

Nowadays, people always tell me I look too skinny. People at dinner parties get all quiet and pissed off when I don't eat the pot roast they cooked. Pot roast kills me. Baked ham. Anything that hangs around inside my guts for longer than a couple hours, it comes out still food. Home-cooked lima beans or chunk light tuna fish, I'll stand up and find it still sitting there in the toilet.

After you have a radical bowel resectioning, you don't digest meat so great. Most people, you have five feet of large intestine. I'm lucky to have my six inches. So I never got a football scholarship. Never got an MBA. Both my friends, the wax kid and the carrot kid, they grew up, got big, but I've never weighed a pound more than I did that day when I was thirteen.

Another big problem was my folks paid a lot of good money for that swimming pool. In the end my Dad just told the pool guy it was a dog. The family dog fell in and drowned. The dead body got pulled into the pump. Even when the pool guy cracked open the filter casing and fished out a rubbery tube, a watery hank of intestine with a big orange vitamin pill still inside, even then, my Dad just said, "That dog was fucking nuts."

Even from my upstairs bedroom window, you could hear my Dad say, "We couldn't trust that dog alone for a second…"

Then my sister missed her period.

Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never mentioned it again.

Ever.

That is our invisible carrot.

You. Now you can take a good, deep breath.

I still have not.

End

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

一些评论：

　「讀帕拉尼克的小說有如被關在一個練拳用的沙包裡，作者不停地揮拳，把你打到最後只剩一袋子骨頭、鮮血和痛苦。」

─《邁阿密先鋒報》(The Miami Herald)

　　「（帕拉尼克）是一個技法高超而又優雅的作家，經常極端滑稽──有時候他又同時能讓讀者坐立難安──而且，以他自己那種扭曲的方式，表現出人性……（他）在讓我們深入到那些我們不會接觸到的人的腦海裡這一點上，他可謂大師。」 ─《聖彼得斯堡時報》(St. Petersburg Times)

　　「常常富含娛樂性（也）常常很恐怖……有好些段落──事實上，有好幾整頁──是我所讀過最噁心的東西，真正栩栩如生而悲慘（常常又非常滑稽）。」

─《明尼亞波里星壇報》（Minneapolis Star Tribune）

　　「是那些喜歡看書到冷汗直流的讀者最好的夏季讀物……《惡搞研習營》有強烈的無政府主義感覺籠罩其上。」

─《紐約生活誌》(Time Out New York)

　　「恰克．帕拉尼克是當代最引人注目的作家之一。《惡搞研習營》是讀者接觸過的小說中一輯最恐怖，最令人反胃及震驚的故事。」

─《圖森公民報》(Tucson Citizen)

　　「恰克．帕拉尼克的地位理當躋身文學巨人之列。他綜合了海明威的陽剛，古羅馬諷刺詩人玉外納(Juvenal)的嘲諷，以及社會批判作家兼單口相聲名家藍尼．布魯斯(Lenny Bruce)的態度。」

─《格林斯伯勒新聞與紀事報》(Greensboro News & Record)

　　「帕拉尼克的成就是，幾乎在所有的感覺上都有些讓你毛骨悚然的東西，這位作者在創出新的方法來製造震驚和崩潰上有他獨到的訣竅。」

─《紐約郵報》(New York Post)

　　「好笑，永遠在現實邊緣，還染上自戀的深沉恐怖的血污。」

─《花花公子》(Playboy)

　　「值得收進你的時空膠囊；恰克．帕拉尼克的小說在一百年後會成為美國文學課程中必讀的作品。」

─《邁爾斯堡新聞報》(The Fort Myers News-Press)

　　「帕拉尼克的獨特與多彩多姿，始終如一。」

─《洋蔥新聞》(The Onion)

　　「無情而誠實……他那些噁心的細節和令人無法想像的恐怖場景會讓人做惡夢。這本令人毛骨悚然的小說傑作可能成為當代這類小說中的代表作。」

─《辛辛那提新聞紀事報》(The Cincinnati News Record)

　　「恰克．帕拉尼克看來十分瘋狂……是一齣具諷刺性的實境電視──極見成績──但也是向恐怖小說致敬，和對流行文化的省思。」

─《西雅圖時報》(The Seattle Times)

　　「今年最具原創性的小說。」

─《倫敦衛報》(The Guardian)

　　「恰克．帕拉尼克再顯他的拿手絕活……他的文筆一向精彩絕倫。」

─《娛樂周刊》(Entertainment Weekly)

　　「部分《坎特伯里故事》，部分《蒼蠅王》，百分之百經典的帕拉尼克……是他到目前為止最可怕的一本書。」

─《布勞沃德鎮和棕櫚灘周報》(Broward-Palm Beach New Times)

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

作者簡介

恰克．帕拉尼克 Chuck Palahniuk

　　一九六二年二月二十一日生於華盛頓州帕斯科鎮，在巴爾班克鎮上和家人同住的拖車屋裡長大。他的雙親後來分居、離異，經常將他和三名手足送到外公在華盛頓州東部的牧場居住。

　　帕拉尼克在二十多歲時就讀奧勒岡大學的新聞學院，於一九八六年畢業，三十多歲時開始寫作。他的第一本書《失眠：如果你住在這裡，你就已經到家了》(Insomnia: If You Lived Here, You’d Be Home Already)始終沒有完成，不過有一小部分留存下來，用在《鬥陣俱樂部》(Fight Club)裡。他的第二本作品是《隱形怪物》(Invisible Monsters)，卻被出版社因為內容太過令人不安而退稿，這使得帕拉尼克開始寫他最有名的作品《鬥陣俱樂部》，原因為遭到出版社拒斥而刻意寫出個令人更加不安的故事，沒想到出版社竟然願意出版。《鬥陣俱樂部》精裝本問世後，大獲好評，也得到數個獎項，後來改編成電影搬上大銀幕，於一九九九年由大衛．芬契(David Fincher)執導完成。修訂後的《隱形怪物》和他的第四本書《殘存者》(Survivor)也在那年出版，讓帕拉尼克本人成為受到狂熱崇拜的一代宗師。二○○一年，帕拉尼克終於有了第一本擠上《紐約時報》暢銷排行榜的作品，就是長篇小說《窒息》(Choke)，從此以後，帕拉尼克的作品一帆風順。這樣的功成名就使他能巡迴多地宣傳他的著作，朗讀他的新書和即將出版的作品。

　　二○○三年，帕拉尼克為了宣傳《日記》(Diary)巡迴時，在簽名會上朗讀了一篇題名〈腸子〉的短篇小說，內容敘述一場在水底自慰時發生的意外，這個短篇將收錄於他的新書《惡搞研習營》(Haunted)裡。據說到那時候為止，已有四十個人在聽他朗讀時昏倒。《花花公子》雜誌在二○○四年三月號刊登了這篇小說；帕拉尼克提議讓他們同時刊載另一個短篇，但是編輯部門認為那第二篇太過聳動。在二○○四年夏天巡迴宣傳《比小說更離奇的真實故事》(Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories)一書時，他又向觀眾朗讀同一個短篇，使得昏倒的人數增加到五十三人。後來在宣傳《日記》平裝本時，同一篇故事讓昏倒的人數增加到六十人。到了那年秋天，他開始宣傳《惡搞研習營》，繼續朗讀〈腸子〉。二○○四年十月四日在科羅拉多州波爾得市的朗讀會上，帕拉尼克發現，到那天之後，昏倒的人數已經攀升到六十八人。最後一次有人昏倒的情形是在二○○七年五月十八日，發生於加拿大卑詩省維多利亞市，一共有五個人昏倒，其中一名男士是在準備離開現場時昏倒，結果在倒下時頭部撞到了門。帕拉尼克顯然完全不受這些意外事件的影響，也沒有影響到其他書迷來聆聽他朗讀〈腸子〉或其他作品。他朗讀這篇小說的錄音開始在網路上流傳。在《惡搞研習營》一書最新一版後記中，帕拉尼克報導說〈腸子〉已經使七十三人昏倒。

　　 《惡搞研習營》在二○○五年獲得史鐸克小說獎最佳長篇小說獎的提名，同名電影正準備拍攝中。

譯者簡介

景翔

　　工科畢業，服役後曾從事電腦程式設計工作，後轉入新聞界，退休後延續自民國五十一年開始之翻譯工作，迻譯文類廣泛，而用心與誠懇則始終如一。重要譯作有：非小說《瘋子、教授、大字典》、《雲端的帳棚》、《超級巨星》等；傳記《破水而出》、《我心深處》等；散文《浪吟行》、《梭羅日記》等；暢銷小說《午夜情挑》、《此情綿綿》等；文學獎作品《他們》、《樂觀者的女兒》、《中性》等；電影小說《越戰獵鹿人》、《午夜牛郎》、《再見女郎》、《第三類接觸》等；同志小說《男人的愛人是男人》、《教我如何愛你》、《彩蝶之翼》等；推理小說《布朗神父探案全集》、《骸骨與沉默》、《猶大之窗》等；科幻小說《非人子》、《異形》、《海柏利昂2》等；奇幻小說《最後的精靈》等；成長小說《毛巾頭》等；恐怖小說《惡搞研習營》為首次嘗試此一文類。